Music Man

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it
is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and
persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive
back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music
scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies
are being played in the reverse order in which they were
composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

... He's decomposing.

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers "No". He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big Sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"

Fisherman (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called... a Sonofabitch."

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big Sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this Sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this Sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this Sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a Sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that Sonofabitch tonight."

That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the Sonofabitch."

Bishop: "And I cleaned the Sonofabitch."

Head Mother: "And I cooked the Sonofabitch."

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says...

"You know, you fuckers are all right!"

Too Stupid...

"This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the
screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Microsoft & General Motors

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press
release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following
characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning
light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),
even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting
to delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of
the controls would operate in the same manner as the old
car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. T hey never smell and are always silent.

In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they didn't smell and
are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back to the doctor. "Doctor," she says "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly".

"Good" the doctor said, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

...AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Blond Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino. and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more...

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Hockey Rink!"

Dogs and Men

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch
(and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is
rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one
that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "No" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

10 Best Things to Say if Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10.  "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9.  "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8.  "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7.  "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6.  "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5.  "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4.  "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3.  " The coffee machine is broken..."

2.  "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1.  ".....in His name. Amen."